Julie's Life

Ennui...

I have been going strong for a while. I am just now ready to collapse. I want to go home and sleep forever. Or maybe not, I have yet to make it to 60 in World of Warcraft. Ok, so maybe I want to play my game-then sleep. Sometimes I think the universe is against me and trying to make everything I do difficult and time consuming. Then I remember that the universe really couldn't give a crap what happens to me. I don't believe in God. I don't think that life follows along on some predestined route. I think that things just happen. They have consequences-otherwise I wouldn't be here now, but the only thing controlling me is me and everything that happens to me is from my actions or those actions around me. I named my cat Juna after Nagarjuna for a reason. Think about it a little.

Life has a funny way of making you feel very insignificant. Since at the moment I couldn't give a crap-I guess it is ok.

I am a coward. I am an introvert. I like being alone. Being around lots of people all the time stresses me out. I want to scream when people don't understand this or think it will change. I don't like putting myself out there. In fact I hate it very very very much. To the point in fact that when people make me put myself out there for the world to see, I start to REALLY resent them. If I make the decision to jump, then it is fine. However, I will throw anyone off the cliff before I let them push me. And I will feel good about it. Really deep down I am not that nice of a person. I may look sweet and innocent and gentle but that is because it is easier that way. Don't ask me what I mean, I can't exlain it. There are times that I want to break every single piece of glass I can find. There are times I want to break every single face I see. Humphf, isn't it amazing that I have never before gotten in a physical fight-oh, wait I am an introvert-I don't like to be around people so why would I start a fight. I barely suffer being touched. Of course some of that is just from the fact that I am not use to being touched. I don't mind when my family touches me. I am use to them touching me. It sort of freaks me out when other people touch me. Why do I always fall for guys that I really don't want or can't have. And I am not speaking of Mike Patton. He is a god and therefore everyone should fall to his feet. No, I mean people I know. I start to think about someone I know and then start to think of them in a more personal way. I obsess about them for a while and then I get over it. But in that space of time that I think about them, I get awkward. I am already awkward enough around men. That is because of course I have never dated.

Have to go back to work now,
Pff,
Juls

posted by Julie @ 4:21 PM