Julie's Life

What you fear the most, it might just be letting other people know your inner fears...

So I wrote a post on my sister's blog tonight in response to her posting. It is something that I want to address on my blog also. This Halloween is going to be one of the scariest of my life. Not because of the ghouls and goblins. Not because some part of me is just waiting for it to be a disaster. No, the biggest and scariest thing about it is that for me, my fear, is not a boogie man or animal or even Bush. No, my greastest fear is ending up a lonely old bitter woman that has lost everyone she loves. And that during her long and painful life, she never found anyone that loved her truly. She never found that one person that would finally make her the center of their world. I do not talk of a parent's love, I have that in plenty, I do not talk about a sister's love, I know my sister loves me very much. I have friends, that while they live their own lives, care for and love me. While all of these are important and valid, there is still one that is missing. It is the love given by a lover. It is private and yet not. It is profound and yet so simple at the same time. I do not talk about sex, though that would be nice to have too. Sex fades, beauty and youth disappear, and at the end of the day, I want to know that there is someone there that doesn't care about that. They still want to be with me because I am me. Every part of me.

We used to say about my grandparents that between them, they kept WWII going for another thirty odd years. They fought and screamed and threatened each other every day. But they loved each other so much. When Grandfather died, Grandmother was not the same. Yeah, she was still the manipulative bossy woman she had always been, but there was also a sadness. At odd moments, you could hear her talking to him. She lived for several more years, but in truth she was just waiting. Waiting to be reunited with the man she loved.

They say that it is better to have loved and lost then to never had loved at all. Those who have lost loved ones, in bitter moments, have said that it is false. And I say that it is easy for them to say when they have not experienced the other end of it. For with not having a love comes so many other things. At least if someone has loved you, you know that for at least one moment you were desirable enough that another person wanted to share your breath.

So, for me this Halloween is not about trick or treating. It is not about dressing up and getting drunk. It is about letting my friends, who I miss so much, see a deeper side of me. I am surrounded by too many strangers right now to treat my dearest friends like outsiders.

ride the night upon wings of an owl,
Juls

PS I should be banned from writing blogs late at night.

posted by Julie @ 11:51 PM