What you fear the most, it might just be letting other people know your inner fears...
So I wrote a post on my sister's blog tonight in response to her posting. It is something that I want to address on my blog also. This Halloween is going to be one of the scariest of my life. Not because of the ghouls and goblins. Not because some part of me is just waiting for it to be a disaster. No, the biggest and scariest thing about it is that for me, my fear, is not a boogie man or animal or even Bush. No, my greastest fear is ending up a lonely old bitter woman that has lost everyone she loves. And that during her long and painful life, she never found anyone that loved her truly. She never found that one person that would finally make her the center of their world. I do not talk of a parent's love, I have that in plenty, I do not talk about a sister's love, I know my sister loves me very much. I have friends, that while they live their own lives, care for and love me. While all of these are important and valid, there is still one that is missing. It is the love given by a lover. It is private and yet not. It is profound and yet so simple at the same time. I do not talk about sex, though that would be nice to have too. Sex fades, beauty and youth disappear, and at the end of the day, I want to know that there is someone there that doesn't care about that. They still want to be with me because I am me. Every part of me.
We used to say about my grandparents that between them, they kept WWII going for another thirty odd years. They fought and screamed and threatened each other every day. But they loved each other so much. When Grandfather died, Grandmother was not the same. Yeah, she was still the manipulative bossy woman she had always been, but there was also a sadness. At odd moments, you could hear her talking to him. She lived for several more years, but in truth she was just waiting. Waiting to be reunited with the man she loved.
They say that it is better to have loved and lost then to never had loved at all. Those who have lost loved ones, in bitter moments, have said that it is false. And I say that it is easy for them to say when they have not experienced the other end of it. For with not having a love comes so many other things. At least if someone has loved you, you know that for at least one moment you were desirable enough that another person wanted to share your breath.
So, for me this Halloween is not about trick or treating. It is not about dressing up and getting drunk. It is about letting my friends, who I miss so much, see a deeper side of me. I am surrounded by too many strangers right now to treat my dearest friends like outsiders.
ride the night upon wings of an owl,
Juls
PS I should be banned from writing blogs late at night.
And thus it starts getting hard...
I am on my way to bed but I thought I would drop a line for those faithful readers that have not gotten their fix for a couple of days. I have been preparing my presentation so that I can go over it with my PI tomorrow. I am not finished with it but I have so many questions for Joan that hopefully after tomorrow it will not take me long to finish it. If everyone is good, I will present it while I am in Indy.
I got my first grade back-a B in biostats. I should have gotten an A but I allowed myself to not be concerned with the test. Trust me, that will not happen again. The professor asked some tricky questions that I got turned around on, but I have two more tests in that class, plus lots of homework points. I know now that not only does he think that graphic designers and computer programs are stupid but that anyone that cannot do his problems are idiots. I will not fall in that trap again. That and the other tests are open book. I really hate having to memorize equations when in the real world you can look them up.
Ok, enough with the pity party. I need my beauty sleep.
smile, for tomorrow is another day,
Juls
So the end of another week...
I had the two hardest tests this week. They are over and I cannot think about them right now. I went over to my fellow grad student Amanda's apartment and watched tv, ate brats and hambugers and made smores with my classmates. Today I am going to chill at home. Tomorrow I will do the things I need to do.
I just saw Elizabethtown with Kristen Dunst and Orlando Bloom. It was a very good movie. I love the soundtrack. In the movie was a quote that I loved. I will leave with that for tonight.
"You will find that it is all very familiar…the strange and faraway places where you’ve never been. The wild unknown leads you to a place just around the corner. Take a picture when you get there…the road is you." “The Road” J Bebe - R Hammond From the movie Elizabethtown
Goodnight,
Juls
FYI: Julie needs to write things down...
Ok, so I said I wasn't sure if between Halloween and Thanksgiving I would be able to come to Indy but I was wrong. I will be coming Thursday, Nov 11 for the Audioslave concert. I have that Friday off for veterns' day. I will not be staying the whole weekend though because I would have to bring my cat if I was and I don't want to subject her to that until Thanksgiving.
My plan right now is to come down after class on Nov 23 and stay through to that Sunday morning. After thanksgiving, I have finals and the ending of my classes. I have a lot of time in December between my quarters but I am not planning anything yet.
I have to study now but I wanted to give that announcement before I forgot about it.
gobble gobble,
Juls
Halloween...
So I am really looking forward to Halloween this year because I am hoping to see all the people I have seen in months. I don't think that I will be able to get back to Indy after Halloween until Thanksgiving, so folks, this is it.
The party will be on October 29, starting around 8 pm or so. Kathy will be sending out an invite soon, so make sure you are on her email list.
The theme is "If you Fear it, Wear it." Come as what you fear the most. This does not mean that you have to come as a spider, or a semi-truck (what, semis are big and fast). You could also come as such things as poverty, death, Fear itself, Britney Spears. There are countless of possibilities. And if you are claiming you don't have any fears, look deep and long at your psyche. I am sure there is something you fear. One of my biggest fears is that no one will come to the party. And that everyone is forgetting about me. And now that I am not physically jamming myself down people's throats constantly by always being around, people are not making any effort to see me. Oh, and the people I care about most dying. That is a big fear.
I have more but I thought that maybe if I am willing to share some of my deep fears people won't be so afraid of opening themselves up. Get it, some people are scarred of showing their inner emotions to others. Anyways, I can only let my inner wounds bleed so much for others before I have to cover them up again.
Before I leave this wonderful blog to be published I wanted to give a shout out to Eric and Stacey. Congrats and I am so happy for you. Now all yall have to do is set a date, orgainze the whole thing, and ask people to be your maids of honor and groomsmen.
AHHHHHH,
Juls
Oh let me count the ways that I am a geek...
Ok, so I went to trilogy tuesday. I still talk about the fact that I went to trilogy tuesday. I assume that everyone knows what trilogy tuesday is and worships me since I went. Now I have a new and most wonderful announcement. The Lord of the Rings exhibit at the Indiana State Museum is opening on October 6 and will run till January 3. I am very sad and distraught that I will not be at opening weekend but I will live.
The website is: http://www.in.gov/ism/MuseumExhibits/lotr.asp
So that is very exciting and clearly shows that I am a geek. Another way is the fact that when I went to the ren fair over the weekend, I got an outfit. I had my hair braided and dressed up (well, mom bought the outfit for christmas but I would have bought it if she hadn't). The outfit is a patchwork skirt that at the moment is really too long but I will fix soon. The maker of the skirt made it so that tall and short people can wear them with ease. I also now have a black chemise with silver accents on the sleeves. I plan to also wear my black bodice that I got from Hot Topic.
Well I have to get back to the grind. I will try to post more often but I am in school and have tests coming up.
maholo,
Juls
